I wish I could say I had an easy first year of law school. I didn’t. Tragedy came into my life with full force that year. Starting in June, my grandfather’s health started rapidly declining as he battled congestive heart failure. That August, my little sister returned from Tanzania. She spent six weeks dodging malaria while she studied abroad, and two days before she flew home, she contracted it. She spent a couple of weeks quarantined in Abington Memorial Hospital a few floors above my grandfather. That September, I started having attacks again.

I can’t remember when I experienced my first attack. I do remember I was finishing up my junior year of college. The pain was so intense, I couldn’t sleep through the night. I called a close friend to bring me to the hospital, certain that I’d be diagnosed with appendicitis. I wasn’t. They couldn’t find anything wrong with me. So, they gave me some aspirin and sent me home.

Yet two years later, during my first year, the attacks were back with a vengeance. By October, I was experiencing an attack a week, and I finally went to the hospital. An ultrasound confirmed my family’s suspicions that I was having issues with my gallbladder.

“Why am I sharing some of my most painful memories? Because at some point, we all go through it – sickness, surgery, separation, stress, death.”

The doctors scheduled me for an emergency surgery, and I – acting as a sleep-deprived, semi-sane, overly-eager first-year law student – asked them to postpone it. I had a “midterm” in Contracts that I wasn’t about to miss. And although Dean Esten and Professor Myers assured me I wouldn’t fail Transactional Skills by missing a class, I stood by my decision. They scheduled me for surgery about a week later — a Friday.

By the time finals arrived in December, the only reminders of my attacks were four small scars on my abdomen. I was healed. I was better. But my grandfather was in hospice care, losing his battle with congestive heart failure. On December 7 or 8, my mom called to tell me I should go visit Pop-Pop at the nursing home. I told her I would come by after I studied on Thursday — around 5 PM.

That Thursday, around 4:45 PM, just as I was walking out the door, my mother called me to tell me that my Pop-Pop had died. I could barely understand her through her sobs. I broke down in the hallway. I never got to say goodbye. He passed away the day I was supposed to. Pop-Pop died the day after my Criminal Law exam and the day before my Torts exam. We buried him the day before my Contracts exam.

So, why am I sharing some of my most painful memories? Because at some point, we all go through it – sickness, surgery, separation, stress, death. I spiraled into anxiety and depression after losing my grandfather. My anxiety manifested as hypochondria; I was constantly afraid that I — or my loved ones — would die as the result of some illness. Eventually, I also admitted to my parents, and my boyfriend, that I was suffering from an eating disorder.

That following June, I finally reached out to Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers (LCL) about my anxiety and depression. Students are told about LCL during orientation week. Typically, LCL handles substance abuse and addiction, but not many people understand how excellent a resource it can be for those of us with mental health concerns. I spoke with a case manager for several hours on my initial call. She matched me with a practicing attorney fighting the same issues. To this day, I talk to my case manager whenever my anxiety gets particularly out of control.

I tell you all of my deepest, darkest secrets because I don’t want the pain, sadness, or stress you may feel to affect you the way mine did.

If you’re dealing with anxiety

I’m sorry you’re going through this. First, you should realize that this is absolutely not your fault. My advice for you would be to talk through your anxieties. You’d be amazed how often “do you want to talk about it?” eases your mind. If you don’t have anyone available to talk to, logic yourself. Challenge all of your negative thoughts. If that doesn’t work, go for a run (or walk or yoga). The exercise helps you get out all of your negative feelings. Whenever I feel an anxiety attack coming on, I will start doing jumping jacks.

If you’re dealing with a loved one’s sickness

Stay connected with your sick loved one. Visit as often as you can. Let them know you love them and keep their spirits up. Dealing with someone else’s illness is difficult because you never feel like you’re helping. Sometimes, though, being there for your loved one is all that matters.

During the day (or the hours you aren’t with your loved one), keep yourself busy with classwork or a hobby that keeps you thinking or keeps you active. If your mind is working, you have less time to scare yourself into worrying.

If you’re the sick one

Make sure you aren’t driving yourself into the ground. Get some sleep, eat some soup, drink some orange juice, and try not to worry about the outside world too much. You need time to heal. Each time I’ve truly gotten sick, I only exacerbated the problem by trying to do too much too soon. Do not overload your healing brain.

If your loved dies

Cry. It seems simple, but don’t hold it in. Nothing comes of pretending you aren’t crushed. Crying is cathartic. Crying is cleansing. Never, ever, be ashamed to cry.

If, by chance, someone passes away during exam period, please do not take your exams. Talk to Dean Esten about rescheduling the exams. Trust me based on my experience: you will not be able to pay attention to any part of the law — no matter how fascinating — if your heart is that broken. Exams can wait a little while as you pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off, and keep on pushing through.

Death will never be easy. Don’t pretend that dealing with it is going to be easy. Hug anyone that offers. Remember the good stuff so that the next time they cross your mind, you smile because you no longer have a reason to cry. Today, I imagine my grandfather calling me “Nickely.” It was a silly nickname he created for me. He was and will always be the only person to call me that. And every time I think about it I smile. The tears are gone, but his memory isn’t. He inspired everyone who knew him. He even inspired this article

Tragedy came to me in full force during my 1L year. I have a few bruises (and scars), but I’m a much better person, and will be a much better lawyer, knowing how to cope with all of the emotions life throws at me.